I grew up a sensitive kid with a crippling stutter. My family was…complex is the nicest way I can put it. As a man, ‘sensitive’ didn’t feel like it was an option. So, I built a castle of protection through a tough exterior and defined my worth through external success. I needed to make more money, have more sex, perform for larger crowds. The more I got, the worse I felt. For years I battled with depression, addiction, lying and cheating, burnout, and suicidal ideation.

But if you were to ask me how I was doing for most of my life, I would reply with, “I'm good”. I was receiving so much criticism but very little advice of what to do or where to go.

I would dissociate a lot in the morning - laying there, eyes open, but so many running thoughts that I wouldn’t be looking at or actually seeing anything. Spiraling about my to-do list, my failing relationship, with a pounding headache from nicotine withdrawal. I wasn’t even a regular smoker - I would just chain smoke from midnight to 3 am. I knew internally something was wrong or off, but the fear of peaking behind the curtain was stronger than the motivation to actually do something about it. It was so disorienting I didn’t even know what I was aiming at anymore. I was caught in a cycle and it began to feel like the only escape was to just stop all the noise all together. I started visualizing the ways of doing it. The most recurring image was jumping into a pool and not swimming, just letting myself sink to the bottom. Because then…then the noise would stop.

I felt like if one more thing happened I was on the verge of snapping/breaking. It was at that point I started to recognize and accept that I wasn't good, and that I needed to change. I was saddened by the lack of resources available for men struggling in a complex world and I'm dedicated to being a bridge builder from struggle to internal thriving.